The Gerudo Mask
by Arctic Husky
Summary: Just imagine the things the things that a young Hylian boy can do with a mask that makes him look like a Gerudo woman!


I don't even know what gave me the idea to write this fic... I guess I was just playing Ocarina of Time and randomly decided that the Gerudo Mask is too damn funny. XD Erm... yeah... It is basically a bunch of random situations that Link can get into while wearing the Gerudo Mask.  
  
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The Gerudo Mask  
  
*~* Chapter 1 - Searching the Lost Woods *~*  
  
"Now that you have sold all of the masks, you can rent whichever ones you desire... for FREE!!" the mask salesman said to Link. ((A/N: I shall now refer to the mask salesman as Maskman))  
  
"Really!?" Link beamed, "Even the Mario mask that you're hiding on your back??"  
  
"NO ONE MAY TOUCH MY MARIO MASK!!!!"  
  
Link's eyes widened, "Um..."  
  
"Ahem... that is to say that my Mario mask is not for rental," Maskman semmered down.  
  
"So then what the hell can I rent that's worth my time??"  
  
Maskman grinned, "Well now... if you want my opinion, I suggest this LOVELY mask," he held up a mask that resembled the face of a Goron.  
  
"I want to look GOOD," Link objected, "Not fat."  
  
"Well now... the ladies dig Zoras -for some reason...-," Maskman offered.  
  
"Nah. The ladies dig me any way."  
  
"Aren't you ten years old?"  
  
Link held a finger in front of his mouth, "Ssh! They don't know that."  
  
Maskman sighed, "Well... you've rented all of the other masks except..."  
  
"Except? There's another one?" Link asked, "I'll take it! Whatever it is!"  
  
"It's your funeral," Maskman muttered.  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Nothing!" Maskman held up the Gerudo Mask, "This, my friend, will bring you great... mumble, mumble."  
  
"Wha-?" Link asked.  
  
Maskman threw the mask at Link, "IT'S YOUR PROBLEM NOW!!" and with that, he hurled a smoke bomb to the ground. When the fog vanished, Maskman was gone...  
  
"That was... odd..." Link blinked at the mask in his hands. "Man... What can I do with a mask that makes me look like a very short woman whose tanned face doesn't match with her pale arms and legs?" he shrugged in reply to his own question and walked back to the market.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Link sat on the edge of the fountain in the center of the market, still staring at the womanly mask.  
  
"AAAAAH!! A GERUDO!!!!!" some random man shouted before running off, screaming like a little girl. Meanwhile, of course, there was a little girl chasing a cuckoo around who didn't even take notice of the mask. Shows how brave that man was, eh?  
  
"It's a mask, you idiot!!" Link shouted after the man. "And here I thought that men found Gerudos beautiful..." he paused, "Wait a second... beautiful! 'Something, something... your beautiful face... something, something... Prizes!!'" Link was recalling a sign he had seen while he was in the Lost Woods. He immediately got up and ran out of the market, toward Kokiri Forest.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Now where the hell is that hole?" Link felt along the ground of the deep grass of the Lost Woods, "I know that it's in this place because... OW!! Who just whipped a Deku Nut at me!?"  
  
A business Deku Scrub laughed, "Hey there, cutie. I'm all for you bending and reaching like that... but pay a little attention me now."  
  
Link turned and stared at the Deku Scrub, "... WHAT!?"  
  
"It isn't too often that Gerudo chicks come to these parts," the Deku said.  
  
"Gerudo?" Link thought, "OH CRAP!! I HAVE THE MASK ON!!"  
  
The Deku tilted its head, "Mask...?"  
  
"YES MASK!!" Link took the mask off of his face, "I'm a Kokiri boy, you idiot!!"  
  
"Aaah!!" the Deku screamed, "I just came onto some random Kokiri kid!!" it sunk back into its flower thing-a-ma-jigger.  
  
Link slowly shifted backwards from the flower thing-a-ma-jigger, "O...K... I don't quite understand why a Deku Scrub found me... erm... attractive..." he continued shifting backwards then his foot slipped into the hole he was searching for. "AAAAAH!!!"  
  
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"Ugh..." Link slowly got to his feet and rubbed the back of his head, "That hurt like hell..." he looked around and noticed several flower thing-a-ma- jiggers and a sign post. "Success!!" he exclaimed. He had found the exact place that he was looking for.  
  
Link walked over to the sign to clarify that it was the correct location, "Beautiful face... prizes... Woohoo! This IS the place!" he quickly put on his mask and stepped onto the platform over the flower thing-a-ma-jiggers. Deku Scrubs popped out of each of the flower thing-a-ma-jiggers and begun to dance to spiffy music that randomly began playing.  
  
Link bobbed his head to the beat for a minute before realizing that nothing was happening, "Prizes, my ass," he muttered. "Wait!" He turned his attention to a flower thing-a-ma-jigger that had bloomed into some kind of plant. Link jumped off of the platform and ran up to the blooming plant. Naturally, since nothing was happening on its own, he thwacked it with his sword - the universal answer to all problems. The Deku Scrubs slid back into their flower thing-a-ma-jiggers, each leaving a blue rupee behind. "I'm slightly richer!" Link shouted joyfully before collecting the rupees.  
  
He magically teleported back to the surface of the Lost Woods and thought to himself, "Hm... If that one visit got me twenty-five rupees... then four more visits will get me ONE HUNDRED RUPEES!" Link delayed no longer in jumping back into the hole.  
  
Once again, the Deku Scrubs popped up... but this time they were maaaaad. Their beady little eyes turned evil as the Deku Scrubs spit a barrage of Deku Nuts at Link. "AAAAAH!!" Link screamed. He tried to run away but failed when a big nut hit him in the head, making him fall unconscious.  
  
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"Aw man..." Link woke up several hours later, back at the entrance of the Lost Woods. "I'm passing out way too often," he concluded. After staggering to his feet for the second time that day, he noticed that the Gerudo Mask was GONE! "Oh no! Those Deku things must have stolen my mask!! -Or someone else- but I'm going to accuse them! -falsely-" Link dashed back into the Lost Woods.  
  
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Link was still rather out of it when he re-entered the Lost Woods. So out of it... that he turned to the left instead of the right! Link looked up at the Skull Kid in the room of confusion, "Are you a Deku Scrub?" he asked rather stupefied.  
  
Navi slapped her head and murmured, "Idiot..."  
  
Skull Kid frowned; not that anyone could notice it, though... for his face was concealed by... THE GERUDO MASK!! "Do I LOOK like a Deku Scrub to you!?" he screamed, "I am a Gerudo! A scary and sexy Gerudo!!"  
  
"Bah?"  
  
Skull kid raised an eyebrow-which-he-doesn't-have. "What?"  
  
"Za."  
  
"Hien?"  
  
"Guh..."  
  
"Those aren't words!!" Skull Kid screeched. "You shall now meet my DOOM!!!!" he grabbed his flute and used it as a baseball bat to - you guessed it - knock Link out.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Where am I?" Link sat up to see that he was in a comfy bed in someone's house.  
  
"My house, Link," Saria sat at a table, drinking tea.  
  
"But what am I doing in your house?" Link asked, "Did I get drunk and sleep with you?"  
  
"NO!!!" Saria exclaimed, "Link, you're ten years old!!"  
  
"Why does everyone keep saying that?"  
  
Saria looked confused, "Erm... because it's true?"  
  
"Fair enough," Link agreed. He then suddenly remembered what had happened, "My mask!! Where's my mask!?!?" he frantically searched his pockets.  
  
"Relax," Saria assured, "We wouldn't have saved you without saving the mask first."  
  
"Thanks..." Link said sarcastically, "But what happened?  
  
"Well..." Saria began...  
  
---Flashback Time!---  
  
Skull Kid towered over Link, prepared to finish him off when dun da duh da!! It's... Darunia to the rescue?? The Goron leader rode a Dodongo into the woods, "I shall protect you, Brother!! HYAAAA!" he threw a rock at Skull Kid's head. Well, I'd like to say rock... it was really more of a pebble.  
  
"Ouch!" Skull Kid exclaimed, "Please don't do that."  
  
"Sorry..." Darunia hung his head in shame.  
  
"Oh for crying out loud..." Navi sighed. "I'll take care of this myself!" She flew down and picked up a stick, "DIE!!" Navi charge-flew at Skull Kid and poked him in the eye.  
  
"GAH!! IT BURNSSSESSSSS USSSS!!" Skull Kid fell to the ground, twitching.  
  
After retrieving the Gerudo Mask, Navi dusted off her hands, "And that's the end of that. Now... to save our 'hero'..."  
  
---End of Flashback---  
  
"... That's when Navi went to the Sacred Forest Meadow and got me," Saria explained.  
  
"I see..." Link scratched his chin in ponder-ness, "Then that means... YOINK!" Link jumped out of the bed, grabbed the Gerudo Mask and ran out of the house while laughing maniacally.  
  
Navi bowed to Saria, "Thank you for your hospitality!" she then flew after Link.  
  
"WAIT!! Link, you're going to get killed and/or molested if you keep running around doing stupid things with that mask on!!" Saria shouted after him.  
  
No reply.  
  
She sighed, "I guess he'll figure it out for himself..."  
  
*~* End of Chapter 1 *~*  
  
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o.0 I even confuse myself with my writing sometimes... ah well! I actually find that that didn't end up as funny as I would have liked... but what do you think? Please review and tell me! The upcoming chapters shall include Link being hit on by various men and Link attempting to enter Gerudo Fortress. And what will Zelda, Ruto and Malon say about all this? Tune in next time and review! ^_^ 


End file.
